Sadness

Tonight we said goodbye to Joshua, soccer extraordinaire, a wonderful uncle to Camille, my little brother. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and counting the minutes between contractions with my mom, in great expectation of Joshua's entrance into the world. Despite his constant battle between who he should be and who he wants to be he is really one of the coolest people I know. I consider it one of the great blessings of my life that I have gotten to share this little bit of time with him while we lived in Temple. He is headed of to new and great adventures. I hope college is as kind and wonderful to him as it was to me. I hope that he finds friends that become like family, that challenge him to be a better, stronger, larger person. I hope that he stays safe, and makes good decisions. I hope that his bad decisions mold him, that he finds God, and loses Him, and finds Him again. I hope that he decides that he does not have to be so cool, because he is blessed by being different, no matter how hard he tries to fight it, and that, coming from me, is a great compliment.

My grandmother has had progressive dementia for the past...ten years? Has it been ten years? She is really sick right now, we do not even know how sick, nor do we want to know. Her dementia has progressed to the point where she cannot talk, or walk, or eat, or move. I work with this all the time, so I try to think about it clinically, but I cannot. It is really hard. I have not seen her more than a handful of times since I moved back to Texas and I grieve about that often. I live in her house, and drive her car, and I cannot make myself go see her. Because why? Why go see her, and why not? My mom says this, her dementia, may be mercy, who knows? She is at peace and has been this whole time, and a woman of faith, God take her now and ease our suffering.

Some things in life are sad, and some are new beginnings, and some are mercy in disguise. It all depends on your perspective.