Advice

I got some good advice today....

Put your big girl panties on and get over it! 

and so I am, thanks mom. 

Proud

Here we are at the beginning of a new week, and I cannot wait for it to be over. Kass and Rachel arrive in one week, six days if you do not count today, which is practically over. I am so excited. We are going to have a mini-Letourneau Thanksgiving extravaganza, complete with Carmen, who has never actually gotten to come to our house for Thanksgiving, and Dave, a Caffey Thanksgiving veteran. This would be perfect if Kim and her family could come, they will be greatly missed! 

This last weekend we made a quick trip to the Woodlands to help Matt's grandparents. They had found mold in the master bath, and his grandmother has very compromised lungs, so this equalled an emergency. His grandmother, Dede, had been in the hospital, but she got out the evening we came, and was doing much better. I just want to say right now that I am so proud of my husband. He was so willing to go down to Houston to help, and so able to take care of the problem. I was proud of him because when his family needed help they called him, knowing that they could rely on him to take care of the situation when no one else was in the position to do so. Matt removed all the moldy cabinetry and drywall so that a crew could come in later and easily remodel the bathroom and his family could be sure the mold was gone. 

On a different note, Camille was absolutely perfect on this trip, meaning she was like she normally is at home except surrounded by family she does not know. I was pretty nervous because the last time she was around family she did not know she cried so hard and so much that we had to leave. This time she charmed their socks off.  She smiled for Dede, which was what was most important to me, and she talked and talked to her aunt Audry. I, ever unprepared, forgot the camera, which is a shame, because I really wanted pictures of Camille and Dede, but it will have to be next time. 

This week Matt is roofing a huge house for a guy from our church. He hired four people in addition to he and his partner. One of the guys has already said he is not coming back, this after the first day, the house is really tough (very steep and very big), and I guess he was not cut out for the physicality of the job. Matt has been pleased with how things are going, please pray that everyone will stay safe and that they will do a good job, quickly. I continually thank God for the inflow of jobs that Matt has gotten, he has two more lined up after this, with a possible third in the wings, which will easily carry him into the new year. I breath a sigh of relief, and look forward to next year.

Camille,

Today you turn four months old, and it is amazing how much you have changed in the last month. We have moved from smiles to laughing, and that has to be the most wonderful sound I have ever heard. Sometimes the noise that comes out of your mouth surprises you and you look at us like, "did YOU HEAR THAT?" When we get excited, you get more excited and it is a wonderful cycle. I could spend all day eating your neck rolls, just to hear you chuckle. I have tried to get the sound on camera, but as soon as the thing comes out you clam up, and take on your serious baby face, I must become more wiley for the likes of you.

You have also discovered that rolling is a form of mobility, I can leave you on a blanket on the floor and when I come back you will be several feet away from your toys in a lateral direction. I do not think you realize how you are moving, so it is not functional yet, but I think that it may become so soon. I can imagine finding you under the table in the dining room, what if we all rolled instead of walking, development is so cool. About that rolling...you get so frustrated when you find yourself on your stomach, but we are leaving you there, surrounded by your toys in hopes that you will learn to play by yourself for a bit. It is hard for me, because when you are up and happy I want to play with you all the time, but if you are going to insist on rolling all the time, I think it would make your life better if you knew how to play on your belly. You are actually starting to really go after your toys, and it is fun to watch you manipulate them so carefully with both hands.

Your hands are a totally wonder to you, you love to watch them move, in fact you can spend minutes (which in adult time is like hours) just staring at them as the flit around, which sometimes scares me because you stare at them the same way kids with autism do, and that freaks me out. However, I am just going to assume that this is a great stage of development, and that you are completely normal, or as normal as you can be given your winnings in the parent lottery.

You are talking so much now, and not just to me anymore, you love to talk to everyone that you know pretty well. Last night you even talked to your uncle Josh, which is as far outside of the parent circle as you have been willing to go thus far. You still cried when he tried to hold you, which made him nervous and he quickly handed you back to me. You continue to be very wary of strangers, you love to look at them, but you do not like it when they talk to you, or try to hold you. This is frustrating to me, because I always want them to see your beautiful smile, but for now those are just for a select few and this keeps me humble. Because of your shyness church is totally overwhelming. I cannot count the number of times people have tried to engage you and then you cried at them. You get this from me, and I am sorry, when you are 13 I hope I am as good as my mother was at forcing you to make friends. Speaking of friends, your future husband (I always thought I would be a mother who never did this!) Noah is coming for a visit in a couple of weeks, and I am so excited for you to get to see him again. He will probably be on of the only boys who will be bigger then you in middle school, and you will love him for this. Just wait, you'll see.

Right now we are settling into a work schedule, and you would have adapted to this well, had your mother not been so stubborn about trying to give you a bottle. On the flip side, had you not been sooooo stubborn about taking a bottle....okay, I give up, you win this time. Your

grandma was near revolt yesterday, and I had to throw in the towel for the sake of her sanity. So it is agreed by all parties that I will just feed you in the car in the parking lot of my work and we can all be happy. Maybe in a couple of months we can try solid foods...how does that sound, miss picky?

You have made up for the feeding difficulty by totally sleeping through the night, like 8-9 hour stretches. That is lovely beyond words. I am actually starting to enjoy waking up at the butt crack of dawn, since your 8-9 hours lands us at about 6am. I can feed you, play with you, and have you down for a nap (or pretty close) before your daddy even gets out of bed. This is a very functional schedule, lets keep it up!

Above all else, I have been amazed this month of how much I love you. I do not really consider myself a mushy-wushy person, but let me tell you, love for you just spills out of me like a fountain. I want to eat you up, just gobble you down cheek, by squishy cheek. Becoming cognoscente of that fact has made me have to beat back fear with a vengeance. Like a samurai, I fight fear of losing you, fear of what this world is becoming for you, fear of being a bad parent, fear of running out of squishy cheeks to nibble on...your mom is a samurai, isn't that cool! Happy four month birthday, Little Bit.

When I am not blogging I talk to myself...

So we survived the election, although for that whole day I felt like I was waiting to hear news about a new world disaster.  Matt voted libertarian, I chose to abstain, but feel like a dork for doing so. On Tuesday I heard several good reasons for voting each way, but in the end I just felt like the path of our country is already set, and I do not see how my one vote would change that, especially since I live in one of the reddest states in the nation. I know that people say that by not voting I have no right to complain, which I am fine with, I do not plan to complain, I plan to treat this president the same way I have treated every president before him, with objective and honest open mind. I think the most important thing a person can do for their country is to remain informed about the important issues on all fronts, concerning the nation and the world. When talking about this country Matt and my conversations have drifted to the end of times more than once, and I really do think that some of the things that are happening point to that effect. This does not really bother me, I just wish I knew more about what the Bible says is going to be in the end of times, I wish I knew what I believe. A wish I plan to rectify by some appropriately directed study. It also makes me wonder why I never heard one sermon on the end of times while growing up? Just to clarify, I do not think that Obama is the Antichrist or anything silly like that, as some Christians are fond of saying. I actually think he is going to be a good president, but I do believe in him doing things that society thinks are good, he will be moving us more towards the fulfillment of the inevitable. It makes me wonder why at this time I am so driven to bring children into the world...? Okay, enough stream of conscience, I am annoying myself. 

Things here are going pretty well. Camille has discovered that she LOVES to roll over, but hates to be on her belly, which is pretty frustrating to us all. We put her on her play mat with her toys over her and she gets so excited that she rolls over, and then gets angry when she cannot see her toys, it ends up being a vicious cycle of excitement, rolling, crying, flipping....until none of us even like the play mat anymore.  It is fun to watch her development, she is exploding in an all out uncoordinated frenzy of activity.  She still absolutely refuses to take the bottle, which gets more frustrating by the day. My mom is bringing her to me to feed her in the parking lot, which is both embarrassing and dangerous, embarrassing because I have to breastfeed my stubborn baby in the parking lot, dangerous because I am working with a ton of people with various extremely contagious, antibiotic resistant infections, which could easily pass from my clothes to her delicate immune system. I live in fear, and that is certainly not good. 

Erdman Repair and Remodel is the official title of our new family adventure. Matt has several roofs lined up for the near future, which is totally exciting! One of them is a HUGE roof, which described in Matt's words, "if it were any steeper it would be a wall." They are going to have to use ropes and stuff, so as not to fall to their death, again, fear, it is my constant companion. This roof is for a person that goes to our church, so we are branching out past family members! Please pray that word of mouth continues to get us more business. Matt is constantly thinking of new ideas, to sell "rich ladies their fat asses back to them," I laugh, but only in a serious way, because I really do believe that someday one of his good ideas will become department store soap. 

 

The joy of my world

Gate gaurding trolls...

I really wanted to be outside today....really outside, not just in my backyard where I can hear the traffic rushing frantically by. So I thought it would be a great evening to go on a picnic, we could take the dogs, get some food and go to the lake. I was really looking forward to it...I NEEDED to be outside, but I miscalculated the time, and we left too late so it was getting dark. I decided instead of going to the place I had originally intended, we would try to get into Ceder Ridge. Now, I knew that Cedar Ridge does not 'really ' allow day time use, but I figured (counted on) the fact that if you went and asked nicely and told the attendant that you were just going to eat dinner and leave, they would let you in, I mean, what is thirty minutes? So we got there, and I asked nicely, and the man at the booth turned me down flat. He told me, we could go to Temple Lake Park, they allow day usage, but we better hurry because he was sure they were about to close. If looks could have killed! I was so angry, there is that whole beautiful lake, and it is all gated off and guarded by assholes. WHY??? What would it have hurt to let us go and enjoy the lake for the evening, maybe we would have even picked up some of the ridiculous litter, actually improving the park for the other users. I could have spit, I was so mad. And sad, I was pretty sad too. I missed Tahoe today. I REALLY wanted to be outside, I wanted to be surrounded by nature, I wanted to be close to God there, I wanted to share it with my baby, I wanted to watch my dogs get excited about it, I wanted to sit with my husband in a beautiful place and remember the things we liked to do together. I cried on the way home, I could not help it, the tears just would not stop. We ate our Chick-fil-a at the table and drank good beer (thanks Matthew, the Belgian Ale was great!) and talked about doing something next weekend, with actually planning so as to not get thwarted by the absurd. Some days I ache for what I had and lost, which is ridiculous, because what I do have is so good, and so totally right, and sometimes so hard.

Tagged and other life experiences

I was ‘tagged’ by Kim to blog about five things I did not like to admit…it really got me thinking, what do I not want to admit that I would actually admit on my blog. Of course there are things that automatically popped into my head and there is no way I would actually admit those at this point, I am just not that transparent. But then there were other things that came to mind…these are those things:

1. Today during a job interview I totally forgot about my baby. I had previously said that I really wanted to work during the afternoons so that I can spend the mornings with Camille, and today I committed to working in the mornings…oops.

2. Call me sentimental, but I still love Miller Highlife.

3. I am a huge sci-fi fan…love it, a perfect Friday night would be Miller Highlife, pizza and X-files.
4. I cannot wait for my daughter to take a bottle, so I can leave her for long periods of time.

5. I do not like to pray (and I am not very good at it).

It has been a crazy week and a half. Camille has had her first round of allergies and it has been really hard on all of us. I hate watching her be miserable with a stuff, snotty nose and itchy eyes and it makes me extremely sad to know that this is just the beginning of a long, hard road of allergies in Texas. She is doing much better this week, but I still have her sleeping in her car seat at night because she gets so congested laying flat, (and I am a big scaredy-cat when it comes to thinking about her breathing at night.)
Matt is working in Houston this whole week putting a new roof on his grandparent’s house. I am extremely glad that he is able to do this for them, but I miss him like crazy, we just are not meant to be apart for long. We have decided, sort of, to pursue general contracting in this area, and I would really appreciate your prayers (see #5 above). We are both pretty nervous about starting yet another new thing, but that is the way of it, and I truly believe that something is going to work. I got a job today, which is crazy in it’s own way. I am going to be working at the nursing home where my grandmother lives. I am excited about starting back, but also quite nervous about working with so many dementia patients. It is a good opportunity to expand my skills in an area that is only going to become more relevant as more and more people are diagnosed with dementia. We will see if I like doing this, the trick is going to be trying to do functional tasks with a population that is continually declining. How can I improve the functional skills, and therefore meaning of life, of a person who cannot learn new information and is in the process of forgetting what they already know? Time will tell if there is answer to that question. I can say that God has blessed me with a career path that is HIGHLY in demand. I am totally overwhelmed by the response of the facilities in this area, I literally received calls in less the ten minutes after posting my resume online. I am humbled by the fact that they want me so badly, I hope my skills are up to their expectations. So, that is the craziness that is our life.

Uncles...

Camille got to meet her uncle Kyle last weekend when he and Jessica came to visit. We all went camping and had a good visit. Kyle was nervous around the baby, but did eventually hold her for a few minutes (until she got fussy) and we were able to get great pictures. I cannot wait for her to meet all of her aunts and uncles on Matt's side too! 

We also got to see Kim and her kiddos last week and had a good time. I was so super glad to see her, it has been way too long, but it is always nice to see old friends who are still comfortable after a long seperation. We got fun pictures of Camille and Gracie, they are about a month apart, Grace being older.  

Random morning thoughts and a good picture...

Yesterday was a really, REALLY tough day. Camille cried all day long and would not sleep. By the end of the day Matt and I were mad at each other and we both did not want to deal with the baby. She made up for her day of horror by sleeping from 9:30pm until 6am, I needed that, and apparently she did too. She woke up in a really good mood and I am hoping today will be a better day. She is doing some new and amazing things, though, she has brought her hands to midline and is aware of them as her own (I think). She just stares at them like they are the neatest toy. She is reaching for things in front of her and trying to bring them to her mouth. I cannot wait for her hands to actually become HER hands that she can control instead of random, flying baby-face smackers. It is funny to watch her try so hard to reach and grab something. She gets so focused that she sticks her tongue out grunts.  I keep seeing glimpses of this amazing personality and it is both exciting and scary. She is sooo stubborn and focused and hard sometimes, I can imagine that we are going to have a time taming her temper. It is funny because I do not think that she looks like me much at all, but I can see so much of my personality in her, good and bad. I can honestly say that this week I love my baby, not just because she is my baby and I should love her, but because I love her and excited about being around her....does that make any sense to anyone but me?? My sister-in-law just hit 37 weeks (woohoo Stefanie!!)  and I am so excited for her, and I am soooo glad that we are not there anymore. The learning curve is steep, but right now I finally feel like we are getting to a bit of a plateau. 

Pleasure of the Process

I am soooo excited! I have been really struggling with ME, with who am I am, what defines me, what makes me a beautiful and unique snowflake....Moving from Tahoe to Texas really stripped away alot of what I used to define Me as a person. I know, or at least I feel, it sounds shallow, but I was a hiker, a backpacker, a friend, a therapist, a native. I lived to be outside surrounded by Sugar Pines, smelling the warm dirt as my hiking boots moved along the trail towards a mountain lake, feeling the air, seeing the beauty. It was all right outside my back door and now I feel physical aching for that place. It was more than just an activity, it cleared my soul, it was my best communion with God, it was Me, and now it is a tormenting image in my minds eye.  So, to say I have been struggling is a understatement, but today, I made a move to fill that hole with my first love. I am going to start taking horseback riding lessons here: http://touchstonefarmtx.com/default.aspx, I feel giddy like a little girl. I cannot wait to get out there and smell the leather and the dirt and the horse. I am smiling now as I as write this. It is important for me to have passion all my own, something  I do because I love it, not because it is good for the family, or my health, or because I have to, but for the simple pleasure of the process. I am so excited! 

Victory..and these are a few of our favorite things...

We have been working on this skill for a long time, and today during her nap, she finally mastered her thumb, atleast for that second. It disappeared into her hand as quickly as it could, and who knows if she will be able to find it next time, but it made her the happiest baby for a little while. I am borrowing a topic that I loved reading from Kimmie and sharing it with you, these are a few of our current favorite things...

The TinyLove Mobile, particularly the yellow rabbit, she can watch that thing for thirty minutes straight, it is amazing! 

The spice cabinet with all the colors, any ceiling fan, putting her feet under running water (this is an instant cry stopper, she LOVES water) and outside. We also love the Grouchiest Lady Bug and Touch and Feel Pets (Thanks Kyle and Jess!). We are smiling more and more, so I think pretty soon I may get a good picture, and we 'talk' all the time. She is definitely going to be a very vocal little lady.  

Getting this blog up to speed...

I have neglected this blog and so much has happened in my life. I feel the need to do a "dear blog, I am sorry I have not written on you in a while, you just would not believe what has happened to me..." However I am not going to recap, because the only people reading this know the basics. I do want to update on some of the current craziness of my life. First off my aunt Judy is in the hospital. That is a huge statement, because the truth is that she put herself there through her abuse of drugs and alcohol. She has lied, stolen, and betrayed every family member that I love, and I am having a really hard time feeling the least bit sympathetic for her state. Ironically, I have been memorizing 1 Corinthians 13, because I feel like part of the reason God has seen it fit to place me in Texas is to learn to love people that are difficult for me. How can you love someone, and be totally disgusted with their actions? We are living next door to Judy, which could be considered immersion therapy to some. I sigh a heavy sigh, and move on to the next thought. 

My baby slept through the night last night, and there was much rejoicing, however I felt like my boobs were going to pop, and that is not even fair! I actually woke her up so that I could get some sweet relief, because there was no was that I was going to sleep with those swollen watermelons affixed to my chest. We are working on the 'let her cry herself to sleep so she can figure out how to self-calm' thing, it is less easy than I had believed it would be. She does okay sometimes, but always seems to wake up after about 30-45 minutes which is totally frustrating, because then she is hungry and still has quite a bit of time before the next feeding. Oooh wise mothers that have gone before me, what do I do about this? And how long should I let her cry before I go in there and save her from her bed, I have such a stubborn Irish baby....I need some wisdom here. 

On a very positive note, we are FINALLY through with thrush! Praise Jesus, that stuff is awful! Camille now has a lovely mouth with no white spots. She is totally enamoured with her tongue, though, and is constantly sticking it out, it is cute for a little bit, but then leads to copious amounts of baby drool. I am hoping this is a phase that passes. With the resolved thrush, and ear infection, we are getting quite a few more baby smiles, which have an amazing property of making everything better. I am totally looking forward to the laughs to come! 

Matt has been working on my parents roof, actually he just finished it today, and has found a possible business partner for the time being. They are talking about picking up several more roofs in the next month or two, which will give Matt time to figure out what he wants to do here. He still wants to do the training, but is also interested in doing some construction stuff, so we will see where God leads us. I am in the process of getting my therapy license in Texas....actually, I am procrastinating getting my therapy license in Texas....because I REALLY do not want to go back to work. I love my job, but staying home is so nice. I am glad that I do not have to work full time, or I would really be depressed. I am thinking about opening my own business here, where I do home evaluations for fall prevention and home modification assessment for those who want to age in place. I think if I could do the consultation and Matt could do the construction, we could have a lovely little moneymaker on our hands. I have to do quite a bit more research, but my goal is to start doing the consultations by the start of 2009. 

Okay...that is enough updates. This blog is officially up to speed and I will hopefully maintain at least a once a week topical post schedule. Here's to hoping!!

True confessions

I thought I would be really good at doing a blog, I love to write and feel that thoughts are best established/analyzed/understood through writing, however I guess blogging takes a bit more than an affinity for expressing ones self. All that to say, wow, I really suck at this! I have had lots of things to write about, like an upcoming move, or labor, or my current particular disgust with the medical system, but everything has just come out as one big whine. So, consider yourself spared and pity my husband.

Today I am doing yet another load of baby laundry from a lovely shower given at my work. She is going to be one well dressed kid (at least for 0-3 months) if she EVER gets her. Just one whine: I HATE THE THIRD TRIMESTER, WAITING IS HORRID, KID-GIVE ME MY BODY BACK! Okay, all done.

On a non-kid related note, we celebrated a most wonderful 4th of July at Lake Tahoe, along with about half of California. It is most interesting to celebrate the 4th surrounded by a bunch of incredibly high pseudo-hippies singing God Bless America. The experience drips with irony, I love it! Kass took some gorgeous pictures which can be seen here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kozloski/sets/72157605995574063/

Overwhelmed

Honestly I have just been too overwhelmed by life to be able to blog. Things are good, do not get me wrong, but good in a huge, blow your mind kind of way. We have decided to move to Texas, a decision which most days I am excited about. I will be sad to leave parts of my life here, but know that this is absolutely the best decision for my family. The thought of having a baby and moving across the country in the same month is a large part of what has been so overwhelming. I just cannot figure out how it is all going to work...It is another wait-and-see part of my life.

Rachel had her baby yesterday. Such a huge event, I was profoundly affected. To watch her transform into a mother (G0d bless those hormones) and Kass a father was nothing short of surreal. I felt blessed to be in the same room with them. I also got a glimpse of how Matt is going to be with Camille, by watching him hold Noah. The whole experience made me really ready for July 15th, or whenever.

So there, I posted, and there is a general idea of what is happening here. I also have some lovely pictures which have a story all their own, but will have to wait until later.

Speechless...

There are no words to describe how sick, SICK I am of heartburn!

Hello, my name is Kelly...and I am an addict!

I cannot take full responsibility, in fact it really is not even my fault at all, I am genetically predisposed to a weakness for buying things used. From early childhood I was programed by watching my dad scour the thrifty nickle for good deals, it was especially exciting if someone (anyone) actually NEEDED something, but it was most certainly not a requirement. But seriously, my relationship with craigslist is borders on obsession...I look on there everyday, more on the weekends, and not just for stuff I might need. I have been looking at horses for sale for the last year, and I am not even remotely in the market. There is just something about finding a good deal on on item that you know is expensive, and then you get to pay a fraction of the cost. The backpack that I posted below, I paid $15!!! It is a $200 pack, what a thrill, it makes my heart race. As far as baby stuff goes, my poor kid my never get a new item (from her parents, at least) until she gets her own job, it is just ridiculous how much is available. Maybe I will even scar my own kids for life....

The latest craigslist purchase...

Nothing that turned into something that was really nothing all along

Today was going to be the day that I posted a new belly picture, but since my mom is coming for a visit next week, I am just going to make her wait to see the real thing. The only baby news I have since the last post is that I do not have gestational diabetes, which is good, we can all sleep at night. I am pretty excited about my mom coming for a visit, I have been surprisingly homesick for the last couple of weeks, so it is great timing. I feel torn perfectly in half between my desire to live where I am and have my kids grow up with Rachel's kids and to teach them to love the outdoors the way that Matt and I do, and to live close to family where my kids can be around grandparents and cousins and experience what it is like to grow up in the country with horses and stuff. Everything in life has goods and bads, and it seems like I am constantly trying to negotiate in my own brain which outweighs the other. In this instance I know that eventually God will show us where to go, and what to do, but I can tell you He is taking His good sweet time with the process.
And then sometimes, like now, I think there are no good or bad decisions, just different directions that you can go...opposite, but essentially equal paths. Does God have a will in these things? Or does he just think that you can pick either one as long as you are doing it all to serve Him? Everyone seems to have an opinion, but does God really care whether we live in Nevada, or Texas, or Mexico? I know He cares about us, and our walk with Him, and our influence on those in the sphere of our life, but does He care where that sphere is? And then there is Camille (Hope, thanks Stefanie), what is best for her? How do Matt and I stop making selfish decisions, when that is all we have done in the past? Is what is good for us, good for her? How do we know these things????

Big baby

I had a doctors appointment yesterday, and she let me know that the ultrasound that I received on March 19th revealed that Camille is doing great, developing wonderfully and is in the 88th percentile for size. Let me repeat, the 88th percentile for size!!! That thought makes me tremble alittle. The doctor said if everything is looking good, and she is still HUGE, then we might induce at 39 weeks. I know it is way early to be thinking about inducing, but I live in fear of a ten pound baby.

Home stretch

I officially started my third trimester yesterday!! I have already been feeling more tired than before as well as being every increasingly uncomfortable. It is hard to eat, sleep, breath, move, etc, with this huge belly. All in all, though, I feel pretty good. Camille is moving a lot, enough that Matt has been able to feel her a couple of times, and I have SEEN my belly move like a wave. She sometimes stops moving when I touch her, and sometimes she gives tremendous kicks, like she is telling me to stop touching her. We are now searching for a middle name to go with
Camille ____ Erdman. I am open to serious suggestions, seeing as how I already have a host of random foreign soccer player/weightlifter suggestions from my husband, mother and brother!!

40 years...

For the past year and a half Matt and I have been in a period of waiting and working and praying for God to do a very specific something, and so far nothing has changed. This last couple of weeks I have felt like I was at the very end of my rope as far as waiting was concerned. I was angry at God, not just alittle angry, I was ANGRY at God. I was sick of feeling like we were sincerely seeking His plan, trying everything we could, and He was holding out on us. I was at a very low place...
In a totally unrelated conversation a friend from work shared with me that she had read Duet. 9 and it had been very meaningful to her, so when I came to read my Bible, being angry at God, I could think of nothing else, so I turned to Deuteronomy.
Let me share something that hit home, something that I have known since my days in VBS and never really KNOOOWN...God let the people wonder in the desert for 40 YEARS!!!! God tested the people, and let them get hungry and provided their food, and kept their feet from swelling, and gave them water, and kept their clothes from tearing, and led them around the desert in search of a place that He knew the directions to, for 40 years. I was humbled. I realize that for a while I have been asking God, in my own way, why He has brought me out of Egypt to die in the desert. He wanted to know what was in the peoples heart, and He wanted the people to know what was in His. I am on the verge of rambling, read Duet. 6-9. Why is is that we have to learn the same lessons for centuries?

monthly post

I keep telling myself that I am going to get better at this. How hard could it be to post once per week??? After the March scare with the baby and moving, everything has finally settled down into a normal routine. I am LOVING my four minute commute, but I do miss the mountains and seeing Kass and Rachel on a more frequent basis. The baby has been moving like crazy, which is great. I know you are supposed to start counting movements at some point, which just seems like another way to make pregnant women neurotic, so I think I am going to avoid that little endeavour. I have not been back to my doctor since the whole episode with the last ultrasound because I have completely lost trust in the whole system. However I did break down and make an appointment for April 24th, all the time dreading the next test that they try to force on me. I just cannot understand why the whole point of the doctors appointments are just to try and find something wrong. I feel alittle bitter towards the system...

Matt and I are working on planting our first garden. Right now we have some lettuce growing, and some strawberries and rhubarb fighting for their lives. I found out that we, in our excitement, planted things about a month early for this climate. I am going to plant tomatoes, squash, asparagus, and an assortment of herbs sometime next month.

I am headed off to make spaghetti, the pictures above are the Yoda modeling a "Future weightlifter" bib, the most recent belly pick and the super sweet stuff I got off craigslist (thanks mom and dad).

Everything went crazy...

I realize that it has been over a month since I have last posted. I have several reasons (excuses) for that, but I will stick to the most relevant, and therefore interesting, of them. On March 11, two weeks after my ultrasound, my doctor informed me that part of the ultrasound made it look like I had an incompetent cervix and that my chance of preterm labor was elevated. She thought it was probably nothing to worry about, and said to come back in a month. I was stressed, of course, the thought of preterm labor was scary, but my doctor did not seem concerned and up until this point she had always been rather conservative so I figured that I would be overreacting to make a big deal of the situation. That was Tuesday, on Friday I called with a question....Matt and I had planned a trip to the bay area for one last getaway before I was unable to travel. I knew that the elevation change going from Tahoe to the Bay was also a trigger for preterm labor so I wanted to make sure that this was not contraindicated considering the developments of the ultrasound. I called the doctor totally expecting to hear the nurse call me back a state that it was fine for us to travel. The doctor called me back late Friday afternoon and stated that she had ACTUALLY looked at the ultrasound pictures (why had she not done this before??) and that by no means should I travel. In fact she said I should take it really easy and that she was going to make me an appointment to see a high-risk pregnancy specialist. I sobbed for the rest of the day...and it was Friday, so I had all weekend to think about losing my baby. I got a confirmed appointment with a specialist in Reno for the following Wednesday (over 5 days away) and was told that if I experienced anything weird to call the doctor. My doctor happen to be on call, so when my breast started leaking like crazy on Sunday I freaked out and called her. She put me on bed rest until my appointment. From Monday to Wednesday laid on the couch and alternately prayed and cried and was miserably uncomfortable. God did bless me with peace at times, and the baby took my sedentary state as a signal to really exercise her kicking abilities, which was wonderful! When we FINALLY made it to the doctor, he turned out to be the most wonderful man, and was so very comforting. He did an ultrasound of the whole baby from top to bottom, describing in detail the development, and stating over and over again that everything looked perfectly normal. He confirmed that indeed our baby is a girl or a boy without a penis (Matt emphatically picked girl). It was wonderful to see the baby again, and to hear that she was doing well, however that did not answer the question of if I was going to spontaneously go into labor. He then performed an internal ultrasound to look at my cervix and the position of the placenta and membranes. Honestly it only took a few minutes for him to determine that in his words everything looked "perfect", he even had the tech push on my abdomen to try and conjure a problem, all to no avail. He stated that all he could say was that the ultrasound tech does not do enough maternity ultrasounds to diagnosis such a problem, and that all of the stress was for nothing. I cried. I had spent the last five days feeling like my baby girl was going to fall out if I stood up, and that there was so little chance for them to save a baby at 22 weeks. I do not know if the problem was really there and God decided to heal it, which had been my prayer, or that the problem was not there, which was also my prayer. All I know is that it was awful, and then it was over, and I could breathe again.

I learned a lot through all of this. I learned that I REALLY love my baby, and that the thought of losing her was enough to drive me to madness. My mother and cousin have been telling me the whole time that today is the least I will every love this child...and I see how that is true, and it scares me. I started the path of lifetime learning that this child is God's child, and I have absolutely no control what-so-ever. NONE. How do people raise children without faith in God and prayer. I learned that I NEED to be in community of believers, because when I need to have a church to call, I had nothing. I learned that my doctor is an Egyptian (Isaiah 30) as well as the ultrasound, as well as the Internet. I learned that when I am stressed about some health issue, the best thing to do is to stay as far away from Google as possible, more information is not better. I learned that it is really hard on my husband when I cannot stop crying. I learned that laying on the couch for 48 hours gives you one heck of a backache.

Okay, so that long account is partly why I have not posted. I just did not feel like writing when I could only focus on getting through the next few minutes without losing my mind. After we got the good report I hit the ground running. We are super short staffed at my work, and I have been putting in 9+ hour days. We are moving from Tahoe to Carson City this weekend, and I have not even packed a thing. Everything has gone crazy, but in a good way now.

Kozloski update: Rachel had a doctor's appointment yesterday and they said, "holy cow, you have gained 7 pounds stop eating!!" Now remember they wanted her to take weight-gain supplement a few weeks ago. And then the said "Holy cow, your baby is waaay too small, you need an ultrasound!!" So she had an ultrasound today and they said, "Holy cow, your baby is huge, we need to move your due date up to June 8th." What do those Egyptians know anyway????

The BIG one...

Today we had the BIG ultrasound to find out what we are having. It turns out we are having a baby, who looks to be normal. I was totally expecting to be told I was having a boy. I do not know why, I just FELT that way, and many people have told me that I look to like I am carrying a boy (low, high, whatever), I had a dream it was a boy, maybe I wanted a boy...regardless, I was 100% expecting to be told that a little Alexander was on the way. Turns out dreams and old wives tales are not very reliable. We are having a GIRL baby...I am equally excited, but am going to require some time for mental adjustment. I have been 'accidentally' calling it him, and now have to make the mental switch to her. I do not know why having a girl seems more scary than a boy, maybe boys just seem tougher from the beginning. Matt and I now get to learn how to be a girls parents, which makes it all a bit more real. I am excited about starting to actually look at things to get for the baby, which still does not have a suitable name, and am trying to figure out how to avoid the seas of pink headed my way. Matt's first comment was that a girl has a better chance of winning an Olympic medal in weightlifting, obviously we have A LOT to learn.

On Kelly's Behalf

Dear Audience,

We are covered in snow again. Fortunately, as I slaved away shovel at the many feet of snow, a friendly snow plow driver took a large chunk out of the way for me. I rejoiced. Both vehicles are cleared away... for now.

Kelly still doesn't feel well. However the gallons per hour of snot has reduced. Hopefully she will recover very soon. The baby has been kicking a lot. Apparently trying to encourage her to recover.

OK That's about it.

Matt

Scary things and fun things...

Here is an idea of what Matt is looking forward to with our firstborn!


Things I have been scared of while being pregnant:
Tubal pregnancy
Miscarriage
Cramps (Turns out their normal)
Lunch meat
Fish
Developmental disorders ( I know too much)
Coffee (2 8oz cups is fine)
Tea
Red wine
Seat belts
Random diseases from work (Health care is scary)
Gaining too much weight
Not being attractive to my husband
Being a mother
Gorgonzola (my favorite)
Joint separation
Back pain (ouch!)
Lifting people at work
Birth (!!!!!)


Things I have enjoyed while being pregnant:
Feeling it move
Telling people and watching/listening to their reaction
Picking out names (Girls names are tough!)
Thinking about what it may look like
Feeling it move
Planning colors for a nursery (see link below)
Hearing the heartbeat
Watching my husbands reaction to random pregnancy issues
Talking about being pregnant with other expectant mothers
Feeling it move

Dr. Appointments, weight gain, and belly pics

Today was my monthly check up to make sure the kid was still there and to charge me a $45 copay. The kid is indeed still there, I could have told them that because I feel it move everyday. It loves to wiggle at lunch time and in the late afternoon. They all seemed surprised that I was feeling it move already, and have been for the last couple of weeks. This time they easily found the heart beat with the monitor, which was nice, because four weeks ago it was hiding and they had to do an 'informal ultrasound' to make sure everything was alright. Speaking of ultrasounds, I thought that today was when I got to have my BIG ONE to find out what it is, but as it turns out I have to wait two more weeks. I am a little bummed, but waiting the extra time will increase the accuracy of the procedure, which is a good thing. So Feb. 25th at 5pm is the big day when HOPEFULLY the kid will show us the goods and we can stop calling it it and start calling it him or her.

I am posting two pictures, the one in the blue shirts was taken 1/11/08, and the one in black shirt was taken 2/11/08. I feel huge, and everyone says that I look big for 18 weeks, but the doctor said my size is good, and I will take that word for gospel. At this point I have gained 10 pounds, which seems like a ton, but I am not going to stress over that issue. I keep telling myself that I am eating well and exercising (more now that I am not completely exhausted) and so what if I end up with a TEN POUND BABY (fear, great fear!!).

That is pretty much all of the new pregnancy information. Things are going great, I feel really good, I love feeling it move and cannot wait for Matt to be able to feel it too.

Ooh, one last good thing: I was nervous about two things regarding our move to Carson City. The first was having to change doctors at five months into my pregnancy, and the second was having to deliver at the hospital in Carson City. Through my job I just know waaaaay too much about how poorly the Carson hospital is run. God's blessing: At my appointment today I found out that my doctor works part time in Carson City and part time in Tahoe, so I do not have to change doctors, AND they just built a brand new clinic in Carson where I can go for all of my appointments. All the doctors from this practice deliver at Barton, which is in Tahoe, so I am going to have the baby there, which relieves a lot of my stress! It has been a good day!

Praise and Prayer: This week we found out that Matt's brother and his wife are expecting their first child in October, which is great! However, she is going to be spending the next FIVE months in Spain for school. I cannot imagine being away from my husband and in foreign country during the first five months of pregnancy!

A buyers market...

Matt and I have decided that since we are going to be living in Carson for a while (who knows...maybe even a year or two...) we would try to invest in a house. Right now everyone says that this is a buyers market and Carson is indeed seeing the lowest prices on houses since the 90's . Matt and I both firmly believe in the value of owning real estate, and that renting, especially at 1200 - 1400 per month is throwing your money away without the chance of seeing any return. I personally HATE renting because I love the freedom to do what I want with my home and not worry about my landlord. I am also really excited about designing a nursery, and having a garden. I guess I am just a sucker for remodeling, thoughts of walking slowly through Lowes keeps me awake at night!!! We put in an offer yesterday for this home:

http://www.idxcentral.com/snar/idxsearch.cfm?idxid=bgremax&pg=profile&mls=70020209&start=1&list=5&from_price=0&to_price=200000&sqft=1100&bed=3&bath=0&comarea=222%2C230%2C242%2C250%2C271%2C261%2C202%2C281%2C221%2C211%2C272%2C263&ptype=Single%20Family&rows=5&do=any&acmin=0&acmax=99999&ybmin=0&garmin=0&stories=any&horse=any&fl=any&lo=any&loid=any&la=any

It needs some work. The whole thing, ceilings, walls, cabinets, are all painted white, which is nice because it is like they primered everything for us. The bathrooms are in good shape, the backyard is AWESOME!! It is a place that would be easy to move in and do the work slowly because it is all cosmetic. We are supposed to hear back on the offer on 2/9. I have also found a nursery idea that I am excited about:

http://www.hgtv.com/hgtv/dc_design_childrens/article/0,1793,HGTV_3367_4628552_09,00.html

So, we will see. There were some other houses in the area that were good options, but this one was definately the favorite. I am trying not to get too attached.

Enough snow to make you swear!!

The amount of snow we have is truly ridiculous!! This is why we are moving to Carson City and getting off the mountian.

The first trimester in a nutshell

Since this blog is going to be largely centered around the pregnancy, I figured I would summarize my first trimester to bring the blog up to the present.

Getting pregnant was surprisingly easy, my boss has been trying for about two and a half years and it was hard for me to tell her that it took all of about 15 minutes off the pill for this fertile Myrtle to conceive. I was blessed with a surprisingly easy first trimester, and anything that sounds like me complaining is just my vague attempt to empathize with those pregnant women who spend most of their time hugging the toilet. I was only sick for one week, and it was a bad week, but after that I did pretty good. The sight, sound, smell, mention of chicken made me want to hurl, but as long as I stayed away from any food that once flew I was fine. I did get some doozy headaches, and I was BONE NUMBINGLY tired. As far as physical symptoms were concerned that was about it, like I said, I was blessed.

Psychologically, being pregnant was a little tricky. You spend your whole teenage/adult life striving to be thin and strong and fit, and then you pee on a stick and everyone thinks it is okay to throw all of those deeply rooted thoughts out the window and buy incredible comfortable fat clothes. Now, I am all about comfy clothes, but getting used to being bigger than I have ever been in my life has taken a bit of work. My husband has been incredible supportive, even going with me to Taco Bell, which has been my only craving, and telling me that I am supposed to get big. I think it has been particularly trying since I work in a nursing home and every old lady wants to touch my stomach and tell me how big I am getting. Talk about loss of personal space!!!

Today I am about to start my 17th week, which is two weeks into my second trimester, but there will be plenty of time to write on that later. On a side note, Matt begins his second week as personal trainer at world gym, and he has had a few good contacts with potential clients, so please pray that this week he will be able to lock them into contracts and beginning the actual training.

A new adventure

This year has been the year for new adventures, and the purpose of this blog is to try and document the changes, and lack thereof, in my time on earth. It is also intended to span the miles between friends and family all over the country. I have never been good at writing letters, or keeping up with email, but I am determined to make this work.

It has almost been a full year since my husband and I packed up everything we owned, and moved to South Lake Tahoe, Ca. I started a new career, which I love, and Matt has gone through several in this period of time...
Now we are planning on moving to the base of the Sierras, about thrity miles from where we are currently located. It is just too cold, and there is just too much snow in these mountians for a Texas girl like myself. The move was also based around the fact that we are expecting our first kid in July, and it will make life much easier to work and live in the same town. Our goal, lofty as it may be, is for me to work part time and Matt to work in the afternoon/evenings so that we do not have to put the kid in daycare.

So, I guess this is a good first post...now you know where I came from and where I am going, and some of what I am looking forward to in the coming months. I am sure keeping a blog will become easier with practice.